“Part of the problem with the word ‘disabilities’ is that it immediately suggests an inability to see or hear or walk or do other things that many of us take for granted. But what of people who can’t feel? Or talk about their feelings? Or manage their feelings in constructive ways? What of people who aren’t able to form close and strong relationships? And people who cannot find fulfillment in their lives, or those who have lost hope, who live in disappointment and bitterness and find in life no joy, no love? These, it seems to me, are the real disabilities.”
― Fred Rogers, The World According to Mister Rogers: Important Things To Remember
Everyone has a sob story. Yeah it’s true. Even if the sob story is narcissistic and selfish, everyone has a sob story. Everyone has felt that inability to be seen or heard by the person they want most. Experienced the rise and fall of not making “the team”, making that friend, not being a part of the “in crowd”, being smart enough, strong enough, or not understanding why things seem to always work out for others and not so much for “you”! There is no denying that life can suck and suck hard. On the other hand life can be lustrous and beautiful and blessed. However, I want to talk about the sucking hard part.
Graduation! It comes and it goes. Not high school but College. Is it forgivable for me to hold a grudge at those closest to me? If there was one time I wanted support it would have been this one. I don’t understand why one person getting sick and going to the hospital is just cause for everyone not being able to come to my graduation. Out of nine people invited only one showed up. I totally get that if you are a parent and have a child that gets sick and you want to take them to the hospital. However, there are two of you and you, as a unit, made a big deal about MY graduation. Not one of you could show up? Not one of you could bring others who relied on you for a ride? C’mon if your eldest were graduating from school I know for a fact that at least one of you would have been there. Even if the same incident occurred with one of your other children getting sick. Hmmph, is it wrong for me to have even giving you a ticket and getting my hopes up knowing that you probably wouldn’t come? See I suffer from numbness. It seems like every time I try to give this whole interaction thing a shot some bullshit occurs. I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea I am truly grateful for the one person who showed up for me. Even the one person who walked beside me across the stage. There are no words for how that made me feel. What fucked me up and over though, was the fact that I wanted a group. Even if it were three people. I know some people don’t have anyone. But at the moment, I didn’t care. I just wanted my people to act like they care for me. Show in action that they are proud of me and really want the best for me. I was let down. I was hurt. I turned numb…..
During the week of my birthday one of my friends brother was in the hospital in critical condition. I was struggled with going to see him because it brought back some unpleasant memories for me. I did however make it to see him and was glad that I did. Because the next day which was my birthday (yay me) he died. Can someone say SCREW ME! Just when someone close to me finally said, hey I want to do something for you for your birthday, especially without me asking. That was priceless. Now is it selfish of me for being hurt that my friend and my friends brother died. However, at the same time be mad that my bday is now going to be remembered as the day he died and now any plans that were in motion now stopped. Disappeared. Could things ever work out?
Imagine talking to a good friend every day. Calling and texting them and then all of a sudden it just stops. They are hanging out with other friends and doing fun things. Fun things that they use to do with you. Cause? I am not sure. Effect? I am starting to think did I say something offensive to my friend? No. Did I miss something important? No. Are there any major things going on in their life? Maybe. But if it is why would you not talk to your friend. The same could be said on why I chose to let things get as they were giving the fact that I wanted to reconnect with my friend. My good friend. Well let me answer that question. I gave up trying to chase and pry my so called friends to hang out with me. Or talk to me. Just like I find time for what I want to do in life, so do others. So instead I would reach out once or twice but then I would watch.
Sometimes, it just feels like life is not fair, but more specifically it isn’t fair to me. I should have the support I want without question. I should have the birthday I want without bullshit being a part of it all the time. Nothing should ever just stop with me. Things should always be in motion in a positive light. I shouldn’t have to feel alienated from friends. Especially since they are suppose to care. “Not caring” protects me from life and others who’s actions show they don’t care. That way I don;t have to be let down all the time. I don’t have to have expectations for certain things. I don’t have to let myself care or be vulnerable to people. I don’t have to worry about forming relationships with people or being accountable to multiple people. I don’t have to explain myself. Or construct sentences that are coherent when stating my feelings. I shouldn’t have to stand up for myself instead of just being respected. I shouldn’t feel comfortable in ughness. It is not right. I shouldn’t be scared all the time. Because I am wondering about the future, the present, my choices. I shouldn’t have to feel like I am the reason things happen to me. Someone should have showed me how to delay self gratification, how to be poised and praised, to feel good about yourself and how to think on the positive. Someone should have said you are worth the good things in life and not rely on others to say or even show that someone cares.
All in all, I am just letting it be known that life sucks sometimes. And it can really suck hard!
reflectionofthatgirl 